With thanks to Batiushka, our writer

To be an enemy of the US is dangerous, but to be a friend is fatal – Henry Kissinger

How To Be Disingenuous

By J. Biden, speaking from the White House

Gee, I reckon Ukraine can’t join NATO now, they just lost their war.

Gee, I reckon Ukraine can’t join the EU now, they just lost their war.

Gee, I reckon we can’t give the Ukrainians any more of our game-changing wonder weapons, they just lost their war.

Gee, the Dutch were just about to send them some F-16s from the 1980s, they’re still working. Now it’s just too late. We gave them everything they asked for and they still lost. It’s their own fault. They let us down real bad.

God save the Queen.

Hey, man, what do I do now? It don’t say on the prompter. Turn left and exit? Where’s the left? Can someone show me the exit? I gotta find a way out, gotta get outta here.

How To Be Cowardly

By V. Zelensky, speaking from Ben Gurion Airport, Tel Aviv

I was forced into this war by the Americans and their British sidekick, that clown Johnson. I wanted peace in March 2022. All I did was deliver the lines, written by the British MI6 and the US PR companies that ran the show. I’m just an actor, I was just doing my job. It’s not my fault.

350,000 Ukrainian soldiers died for nothing because of the Yankies and the Brits. And then they knifed me in the back because they wouldn’t allow us to join NATO despite all their promises. The bastards betrayed us. Some of our soldiers just gave up when they heard that. Why should we die for them? Let them destroy Russia, that was not our business.

Now Biden can’t get re-elected, because he lost his war. Anyhow the old man’s off his head. He can’t even put a single sentence together.

I contacted Moscow via the Chinese and asked for peace. They said if the army surrendered, I could go and live in my villa in Tel Aviv. So I did. It was a good choice. It’s nice here, it’s by the sea. And everyone here is like me.

I’m out of here. The Chinese have just sent a chauffeur round from their embassy to pick me up and take me back to my villa. I can’t keep them waiting.

How To Be Generous in Victory

By V. V. Putin, speaking in Ukrainian and Russian from the Verhovna Rada in Kiev

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

On this, our Orthodox feast of Easter Monday and St George the Victorious, we first remember all those who have laid down their lives in this unnecessary conflict, but made inevitable by evil people. We remember all our heroes of the People’s Militias of Lugansk and Donetsk, our Chechen allies and our Russian forces of land, air and sea. But we also remember not the Nazi scum, but those deceived and betrayed by that scum, who were told that they were fighting for an independent nation in Kiev. In fact, they were just puppets of the Hegemon, fighting on its behalf to destroy and dismember Russia, so that it could be handed over to the greedy West in little pieces. Surely this conflict will go down as one of the greatest deceptions in history, of how the misled were tricked into dying for the transatlantic racketeers, puppeteers and their vassals, on whom Kiev was entirely dependent. Let us now observe a minute’s silence in their name.

Some people say that history repeats itself. Others say that history echoes down the ages. Others say that none of that is true. I leave such statements to those who have time to debate them. I will just tell you these facts: Human nature does not change. Geography does not change – the seas and the hills and the steppes are still where they were before. And eighty years before 2023 our troops were fighting against German Tiger tanks on the steppes of the Ukraine. And in 2023 our troops were fighting against German Leopard tanks on the steppes of the Ukraine. Facts.

We are now at the beginning of a ten-year plan to rebuild an independent and prosperous Malorossiya. This is what our valiant soldiers have been fighting for, for your independence from the Western pupeteers. You have taken back all your lands from the American corporations. You are no longer their colony, you are truly independent. You are now free of debt, you are starting from a blank sheet. Debts incurred by the disastrous Neo-Nazi regime of 2014-2024 do not count. They will never be repaid, as they are debts of the oligarchs who exploited you. Indeed, next week, we will be sending the bill to the US, the UK and the EU for compensation for the damage done to your economy in the decade since 2014. We also expect the US to hand back the $15 billion of gold reserves which they stole from you in 2014. Your soldiers will set about demining all the lands affected. You no longer have to spend huge amounts on militarisation; you are now protected beneath the iron dome of Russian security.

In your capital in Kiev, the Mother of the cities of Rus, the new Malorossian government under President Tsariov is even now opening urgent negotiations to join BRICS, as your neighbour and brother Belarus has also done. Malorossiya is set to become a vital transport hub between China and Europe. In the place of the devastation of war and speeding tanks, speeding trains from China will go across the steppes, bringing prosperity, a new silk road. Russian energy is set to flow again through Malorossiya to Eastern Europe and, once we have seen compensation from them, on to Western Europe.

Yesterday President Xi announced an ambitious one trillion yuan rebuilding programme, both for all twelve provinces of liberated Malorossija, headed by the City of Kiev, and the nine new Russian provinces, of Odessa (now reunited with former Transdnestria and Gagauzia which have left the Moldovan Republic by self-determination), Nikolayev, Crimea, Kherson, Dnepropetrovsk, Zaporozhia, Kharkov, Donetsk and Lugansk. The demilitarised province of Chernivtsy is now a Romanian affair, as demilitarised Zakarpattia is a Hungarian affair and the three demilitarised provinces of Volyn, Lviv and Ivano-Frankivsk are a Polish affair.

The 3.1 million who had to flee the old Nazi Ukraine for Russia are even now beginning to return to their liberated homelands. As for the 4.9 million who left for Western Europe and did not return, they will all be carefully vetted before they may be allowed to settle back into Malorossiya or the nine new Russian provinces, which by referendum decided to join the Russian Federation. Demilitarisation has come at a great cost because of the NATO arms supplied, making a 40-day operation into an 800-day operation. Denazification, however, has been a great success and one that was a largely voluntary process, as most of the Nazis ran away to the EU and the UK. They will now be staying there for ever. The Russian Federation and Malorossiya neither need them back, nor want them back.

The consequences of this Special Military Operation have been significant for the Russian Federation too. Here we have gone through a period of ‘De-Prigozhinisation’. Just as we lost the corrupt and treacherous boyars like Kurbsky in Old Russia, and then the parasitic and treacherous aristocrats in 1917, in 2022 and 2023 we lost the treacherous oligarchs. We have moved on from Western liberal capitalism to Orthodox conservative socialism. Our programme is one of social justice and support for the family. We are now building a Russian Federation where people want to live and want to have large families, as many children as possible. We are resuming our history, our tradition.

This is also the path of BRICS and it is the path that several other friendly countries in Europe also want to pursue by joining BRICS, notably Moldova, Serbia, Macedonia, Montenegro, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Georgia and, once they are freed from the EU, Hungary and Slovakia. We know that others will follow, including the future national and sovereign governments of Poland, the Czech Lands, Romania, Bulgaria and the Baltic Republics, once they have been denazified of their US puppet elites, as one by one they topple. As for the remnants of Americana in Western Europe, we know that others will also follow into BRICS, especially Italy, whose new de-Americanised government has just shown great interest in so doing.

The Russian Federation has renounced the neo-feudalism of privatisation, imposed on us by the West after the collapse of the Soviet Union, and returned to our national traditions of social justice and social conservatism, both that in the Soviet Union and that of Romanov Russia, which in this respect were very similar. For this reason, the Russian Orthodox Church under its new leader is also now undertaking radical anti-corruption reforms in this same spirit of deprivatisation, that is, defeudalisation and so decentralisation, returning it from its temporary period of isolation to communion with the rest of the Church. The injustices that were carried out by certain individuals after 2020 have already all been reversed. All private interests are out. National and multinational interests are in.

Malorossiya is both a new nation, but also a very old one. Now, as brother Slav nations, reunited as never before, we are going forward together in the new and free multipolar world, which has quite clearly taken shape in the past few years, replacing the old Western economic colonialism. Malorossiya is now in the mainstream, out of the isolation of the West. You are no longer serfs, but free men and women. We are rebuilding a new Malorossiya, prosperous as never before. We are putting behind us the US-imposed nightmare of the past and together we go towards the future with hope, living together in blessed peace.